We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize