Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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