I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
