Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
