i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
