Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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