there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
