Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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