I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
