1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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