I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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