my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
