The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
