I heard we made out
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
