Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize