he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
