We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
