Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize