My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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