ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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