I CAN MOONWALK!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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