I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
