I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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