i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
