I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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