Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
where are my eyebrows?
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