I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
