He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
