We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
