in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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