it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
