Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my being single is dangerous.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
