How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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