hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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