I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
