Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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