oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
