1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
