I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
