life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
