You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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