This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
