Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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