i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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