Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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