Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
