you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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