I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
