Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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