He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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