she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
