Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The best revenge is premature balding
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
