when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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