i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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