Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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