I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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