I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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