Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
