The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
