I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
