You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
