I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize