How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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