Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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