The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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