i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
