I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize