I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize