I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
