Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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