im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
