dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
